Tuesday, June 9, 2009


Just Bring Money

Life in Cottage Country is a lot easier if you know the customs and rules. Then you know what to expect 20% of the time because the only thing certain in Cottage Country is change.
For example, a few of you will remember Axiom 12 ( I think) when we were taught that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line.
Well dear reader, there is no such thing in CC as a straight route to anything, especially in the middle of the night when you're on a back road, the gas needle is on empty, the kids are rioting and your front tire is leaking because you hit a porcupine.
So if you are one of the aging Baby Boomers who has just been attracted to CC, here are a few things you have to keep in mind so you aren't shocked back to the city.
RULE ONE...The music the neighbour's kids blare at 2 a.m. is never good music.
RULE TWO...The police boat is never around when the speeding boats are.
RULE THREE.. The raccoons you want to shoot are only around because neighbours feed them because they're cute.
RULE FOUR...There's good news and bad news when fishing is good. It means that boats just off your shore never leave.
RULE FIVE....There is a direct relationship between the heaviness of the task and the distance your sons are from the cottage.
RULE SIX...There may be 1,001 pictures in your bird books but not one shows the bird now on the feeder.
RULE SEVEN...There is no such thing as a quiet bed during sex.
RULE EIGHT...Teenagers always flood your septic tank.
RULE NINE....Your taxes will never be reasonable considering you get almost nothing in services.
RULE TEN....The anger of councillors against cottagers who dare oppose the latest grand development will relate directly to the size of the scheme.
RULE ELEVEN...Repairmen never come at the time or date agreed to, that is if they can even find the cottage.
RULE TWELVE..Any carpenter, electrician or plumber never comes two days in a row.
RULE THIRTEEN..Your family may have owned the cottage for decades. The local yokel feels superior because you're from away.
RULE FOURTEEN...Locals charge so much for fireplace wood, you would never suspect it was from a tree your neighbor paid to have them cut.
RULE FIFTEEN...The propane supplier always runs out just before the big family gathering.
RULE SIXTEEN...Some people just can't follow directions. Unfortunately the people you hope get lost never do.
RULE SEVENTEEN..The neighbour only picks up after the dog in the city.
RULE EIGHTEEN...Canada geese crap more on your lawn that the dogs do.
RULE NINETEEN...Anyone who praises industrious beavers doesn't live in CC. After they dropped 10 mature trees on my property, they started gnawing on my dock.
RULE TWENTY....Boat houses always lean dangerously.
RULE TWENTY ONE....The stories are always bigger than the fish.
RULE TWENTY TWO....Never buy a cheap hose. It's just not worth the trouble.
RULE TWENTY THREE...You can never have enough rope.
RULE TWENTY FOUR....Never mention zebra mussels without cursing.
Oh yes, and beds always squeak during sex.

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